prosciutto and clerks

(a friend took the above picture in  the store at the corner of Calhoun and Rutledge)

Things I ate:

9:00 am: Bacon, egg, cheese and salsa breakfast sandwich

12:30 pm: sandwich made out of leftover holiday honey baked ham

8:00 pm: prosciutto, Seafood pasta, (Trattoria de Luca) 

Things I hate: Clerks

I went to my local convenience store today and they had a tip jar on the counter.  What the Fuck?  When did it become ok for just anybody to put out a tip jar?  You’re not bringing or preparing food for me.  You are ringing up my Twizzlers and Gatorade.  The kids at the coffee shop and ice cream place are pushing, it but at least they are sort of making food for me.  You, convenience store guy, do nothing.  This is like putting a tip jar at the grocery store check out

And while we are at it, get off the fucking phone.  You’re at work for God’s sake.  I can’t help but wonder who you are talking to.  Is the person on the other line also at work?  Do they also have a customer standing in front of them looking pissed off? Is he my doppelganger?  If this happens to you just do what I do and interrupt their phone call with a string of ridiculous questions.   Here are some suggestions:

Will there be a sale on Beef jerky in the near future?

  Can you measure my height with this strip on the side of your door?

  Is an Icy a solid or a liquid? 

Does unleaded gas weigh less than leaded gas?

If the store is open 24/7 why are there locks on the door?

  Who does your nails?

If this doesn't get them so mad they hang up I don't know what to tell you.

.  (if you live in Charleston you can view these phenomenon at the Sergeant Jasper, and that gas station on the corner of Calhoun and Rutledge across from the hospital)

Things I ate:

8:30 am: everything bagel with cream cheese

12:30 pm: leftover lasagna and Doritos

7:00 pm: waffle and hashbrowns from Waffle house (should have gone with the Allstar special)

Things I hate: Parents who pierce their babies

these people are fucking sick.  Listen here, I know you are trying to railroad your child into a life of swapping felatio for narcotics by naming her Crystal and blowing her college money in Reno,  but this shit is going to far.  Piercing an infant is trashier than that meth lab in your basement.  How would you like it if someone started poking holes in you without your consent?  For more on this check out :

http://www.babypiercing.com/ 

Really , that is the name of their website.  For extra credit see if you can find this telling quote on their site: “I do all ages”.

Manza and models

Things I ate:

8:30 am: everything bagel with cream cheese

12:30 pm: some sort of asian noodles with beef and bean sprouts. and some dorritos.

5:45 pm: 3 slices of left over pizza from Manza 

Things I hate: facebook models

We get it, you’re hot, and you have done some modeling in your time, but seriously this is retarded.  Do you think that this pic is going to suddenly launch your career and you can quit your job at Starbucks?  Have you not noticed that all of your friends have put up normal pictures of themselves?  This shit is so arrogant.  Why don't you just leave the Glamour shot on your mom’s mantle and forget it ever happened.

(Both of these pics were taken from profile pics off my friends list)

(Sorry Beth and Heather,  these pics were just to perfect for the subject not to use. anyway I doubt you read my blog and you made them your facebook pics so maybe its fair game.)

Bagels and Burns

Things I ate:

8:30 am: everything bagel with cream cheese 

12:30 pm: bowl of chili, chips and salsa

5:15 pm: big plate of left over stuffing, bowl of "everything but the.." ice cream

Things I hate:  Guys with no sideburns

No sideburn guys

Listen guys, this is not a good look!!  What on earth would make you say to your barber "you know what, lets just cut these burns all the way up."  Are you thinking your ears are so attractive that they must not be obstructed?  Are you shaving one morning and just take it to far? Whatever the reason, I implore you to stop!!  

I noticed during my extensive sideburn research that the "noburn" may have evolved from the mullet.  Take these 2 pictures of Jose Conseco.  On the left, Conseco (mid 90s) is sporting the classic mullet sans burns.  On the right you can see that Conseco has updated his style by dropping the mullet but for some reason has retained an alarming lack of burn.  I have also noticed that there is an alarming correlation between the no-burn and sports figures, as evident by the pictures I found.

do roids kill burns?

Finally I would like to present this pic of Matt Damon to show that you don't have to go overboard to avoid the no-burn. I'm not asking for mutton chops here.  Damon has chosen to rock only a half inch of burn, but even this small amount of burn is enough to rescue him from the look of no burn.  Please guys make wise burn choices!

Things I ate:

9:00 am: everything bagel with jalepeno cream cheese

2:00 pm: big ass thanksgiving at julia’s house turkey mashed potatoes stuffing and much much more

9:00 pm: angel food cake and vanilla ice cream

 

Things I hate: Unrated DVD editions

      The unrated editions of DVD releases are purely marketing gimmicks and never deliver on the scintillation that the “unrated label” suggests.  This label essentially promises more nudity.  Nudity so crazy that the dvd isn’t eve R but Unrated!!!  What they deliver is usually the same crappy flick with a couple of extra and completely worthless scenes.  What you realize after watching the unrated version of a film is that those scenes were left out for a reason.  If you’re going to put out an unrated copy of The Breakup then the extra material that gave it the “unrated status” had better be an extra scene where Jennifer Aniston performs fellatio on Vince Vaughn.

      So here’s an idea, if you’re going to put out an unrated edition of a movie, film it like that is your intention.  For example you’re making a movie… lets say… “The Bourne Douchbaggery”.  Go ahead and film a 45 minute hard core porn scene that won’t be in the original movie.  Drop that scene into the unrated edition.  This can work for TV as well since many of us watch TV shows online and on DVD.  Just film some scenes with nudity and a couple of blurted out “fucks” and market it as the R rated version.  You could film the same scene from Lost where Kate takes her top off but in the DVD she would be facing the camera.  Or, you could have a scene where Mathew Fox removes Sawyers appendix with his dong hanging out.  All I’m saying is make the DVD release like the HBO version of the show.  I’m totally off topic.  Anyway Unrated versions of DVDs are not the raunchy versions of the film that they promise.  They are just the same shitty movie with a couple shitty scenes that didn't make the first cut and that is bullshit! 

Hefner and Gyro

|--what happened in here?--|

What I ate:

10: 30 cheese and salsa omelet

12:00pm:  bowl of “everything but the” ice cream

1:23 pm: Tyson boneless chicken strips with ranch

4:00 pm: half of a leftover gyro

9:00 pm: chicken noodle soup

Things I hate: old ass Hue Hefner

What ever happened to going out with dignity?  Hef used to stand as a symbol of the idyllic bachelor lifestyle.  Now he is just a sad old man who is being made a cuckold by the likes of Chris “mindfreak” Angel… Chris Angel!!!!???? Seriously? WTF!!!

There was a time where Hef proved that being a bachelor could be fun, stylish, and full of pussy.  Now he just stands as proof that a happy bachelor will end up sad, old, alone, and desperate for youth.  You ruined bachelorhood for all of us.  Is that what a “permanent single” has to look forward to, being a decrepit, lonely husk of a man?  A man, so desperate for youth and attention, that he dates a stream of increasingly horrible and vapid women who care only for his money and status.  So thanks a lot Hef.  Thanks for showing us the truth: that there is a sad and lonely ending to even the most successful bachelor lifestyle.  Take your millions and die with dignity NOT on Reality TV!!!!

Things I ate:

8:00 am: scrambled eggs with salsa

12:15 pm: pork chop with tomatoes and feta (pictured)

7:30 pm: roasted chicken and a shit ton of cheese its

Things I hate: Website passwords

Why does every website now require a username and password?  I understand my email, banking, and facebook needing that info.  What I don’t understand is why every time I want to watch a video on youtube/hulu, check news on IMDB I have to put in a password.  What inevitable happens is I get frustrated and make up some dumbshit user name in order to quickly get through the registration.  This is why I am now Poopmonster2 on Hulu (regular poopmonster was taken) So now between blogs, networks, email accounts, second life, online gambling, and research engines I have about 20 usernames and passwords. For reasons of security and because password requirements are different they are all different. I don't write down a master list, I just trust my Mac to remember them, but about once a month my Mac forgets and I have to reset with another ridiculous entry.

BBQ and cable companies

Things I ate:

8:00 am: 2 eggs over easy, bacon and toast

12:00 pm: BBQ wrap with slaw and potato salad (Home Team BBQ)

5:30 pm: General Tso’s shimp with rice

9: 30 pm: angel hair pasta with brie and tomatoes

Things I hate : cable companies

I am getting raped by my cable company.  Not fucked.  Fucking is consensual. I am getting raped because I have no choice in the matter.  In my area, Comcast is the only cable provider, so if you want cable you have to go through them or go fuck yourself and get a shitty satellite dish.  I have experienced this in different parts of the country.  Be it Time Warner or Comcast or another provider they are the only game in town.  They have a monopoly which means they can overcharge me, give me shitty service and wander by to fix my always screwed up internet whenever the hell they feel.  They aren’t even accountable for the repairs because all the work is done by independent contractors.

      This isn’t the first time an industry has screwed the consumer due to a huge market share.  Remember, before Netflix, when Blockbuster would charge you a crazy amount for late fees?  I felt like they made more money off late fees than rentals.  And God forbid you lost a movie you would have to give them a testicle. Well now that Netflix is in the game they can’t charge late fees anymore and they haven’t gone under.

In summation, fuck you Comcast cable.  You’re like an ex- girlfriend with the clap.  I know I hate you and I know you’re no good for me but I still need you and that pisses me off.  No matter how much you charge and no matter how late you are for your appointment I still need to watch the Soup, Always Sunny, Monday Night Football, and check my Facebook so I can’t quit you, but get the fuck over to my house and FIX MY INTERNET you bastards.

 

thai soup and crazy liberals

Things I ate:

10:00 am: omelet with mushrooms, sautéed onions, crumbled sausage, parmesan cheese and 3 pieces of bacon.

11:15 am: 2 handfuls of Cheese Its

12:30pm: 2 bowls of Bryers Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream

2:45 pm: Bowl O’ chili

4:30 pm: more ice cream

7:25 pm: Thai chicken soup and sliced tomatoes topped with mozzarella, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, salt and pepper.  
 

Things I hate: overzealous liberals

Just to show that my ire is not confined solely to the Right I also hate a section of the left: the overzealous liberal.  This overzealous liberal relies on hyper-emotional reactions rather than actual fact and makes the rest of us--the reasoned liberal--look bad.

Here are some indicators that you are engaged with an overzealous liberal:

They reference either the rules of Utimate Frisbee or Noam Chomsky during an argument.

They go to lots of potlucks but only bring edamame or tabule.

They often use the alliterative sentence “Well, at Warren Wilson we…”

To speak with them you have to scream up into a tree on Berkley’s campus in which they are currently living.

While talking to an overzealous liberal you will be exposed to at least one of three distinctive scents: 1. Intense BO 2. Patchouli 3.Onions (they love cooking with onions).

The problem I have with the OL is that they prefer drastic, extremist solutions rather than reasoned responses.  The best example of the drastic liberal screwing the rest of us is the 2000 election.  Those crazy fucks voted for Ralph Nader. By running too far to the left they effectively gave the election to Bush which screwed all the liberals and ironically themselves.  So, as a rational liberal, I will not be letting it mellow even if it’s yellow.  I will not be feeding myself out of the grocery dumpster even though I agree we are a wasteful society.  I will still be routing for the Indians even though their mascot is racist.  And when someone asks, “Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?” and then informs me that it was because “she was a woman,” I’m going to laugh even though it is sexist.  So fuck off liberal extremists.  You make us all look crazy and you’re not helping!! 

Steak and Young republicans

Things I ate:

9:30 am: sesame seed bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon

12:30 pm: grilled trout  with spinach

5:30 pm: Steak sandwich with chopped onions and cambozolo cheese (pictured above)

9:42 pm: seared chicken breast with rice. 

Things I hate:  Young Republicans

Everyone’s had one or two of these guys at their high school.  At mine it was Reagan Hobe (seriously his parents named him Reagan in the early 80s).  You know who I am talking about, the ones who read the Wall Street Journal online and would have been the first in line for the Hitler youth program.  What pisses me off about the young republicans is that I don't understand why they are Republicans.  

            While I don't agree with older republicans I at least understand why they are members of the GOP.  They got old and started to make some money and all of a sudden the higher tax burden of the democrats became unappealing.  Or, they see an ever liberalizing world as the youth take over and they vote socially republican with a “that would never fly in my day”, or “these kids these days” mentality.

            When young republicans state their case they fall into one of two categories.  They are either the “I love guns and hate queers” variety or the “I like sailing and khakis and am not good at sharing” variety.  I am not pissed because they don't share my viewpoint but because they never justify it with a rational argument.  If they said “I truly believe a supply side economic approach is the proper path to economic and therefore social growth in America,” I would get it.  But they never make a rational appeal they just always seem like they simply want to anger their peers by taking an unpopular political position.  Liberals may be thought of as the classic anti-social but on a modern college campus with a majority leftist faculty and student body it is the right-wingers who raise anger from the herd. This politics as a means to piss people off rather than a validly held ethos is why I hate young Republicans. 

Wontons and Condoms

Things I ate:

8:30 am: Poppy seed bagel with red pepper cream cheese

12:20 pm: Wonton soup, Mongolian beef (Osaka restaurant) 

7:30 pm: 7 lemon pepper wings (Recovery Room tavern)

Things I Hate:

Condoms. We all hate them and we all know why.  They make a fun endeavor substantially less pleasurable for everyone involved.  On top of the physical problems, they inject a nice helping of awkwardness into what is likely an already awkward procedure. If it is not awkward you are either A: regularly sleeping together, or B: drunk, either way you’re not using condoms anyway. So condoms are silly looking, expensive and make an intimate experience practically medical but that isn’t the worst part.

The true screw of the condom is that as bad as they are to use they will always be better than babies and AIDS. So, no matter how bad condoms are you still have to wear them.  It’s like paying your taxes.  Paying them royally sucks but the alternative is going to jail and getting ass raped (likely without a condom).  So no matter how high your taxes go you will pay them and no matter how silly your dangle looks encased in purple ribbed latex you will wear them.

 

Shrimp and big dinners

Things i ate:

8:30 am: bagel with smoked salmon cream cheese 

11:45 am: wild mushroom lasagna 

4:00 pm: queso salsa and corn chips

5:30 pm: bowl of Ben and Jerry's "everything but the" ice cream 

8: 00 pm: mushroom soup with goat cheese, BBQ seasoned shrimp with seared scallops (Red Drum restaurant)

Things i hate:

When one of your friends decides to have a big diner out for their birthday.  I'm going to spend 2 hour eating at a table with 22 other people.  Speaking only to the 3 people around me who i can actually hear.  Worst off, watching our poor server cringe when we tell her to split the check 21 ways. ( we are young and poor, therefore, nobody pays for anyone else except for the birthday girl that came up with this horrible idea)