Things I ate:
7:00 am : everything bagel with jalepeno cream cheese
9:15 am: box of junior mints
12:00 pm: left over manicotti pita dipped in hummus
6:30 pm : bg of pretzel flips and a bunch of cool ranch Doritos then went to sleep (jet lag is really messing with my schedule)
Things I hate : flying
I write this while sitting in seat 27 D of flight 1008 from Atlanta to Philadelphia. Flying is terrible. When I was a kid it was exciting, fun, and a privilege. I miss those days.
Here are some things I have found to hate about air travel today:
Hicks on planes: I can tell this is your first time on a plane but there are some things you can’t do. Such as wear camouflage and/or sweat pants. You aren’t driving your car to Myrtle Beach for the weekend; you’re in public for God’s sake. Also unless you’re under the age of 12 or mentally disabled you are not allowed to clap when we land. It is embarrassing for the rest of us. And if your friend/family member is sitting 3 rows behind you that does not mean you can shout over the rows to talk about the movie you are watching.
At the gate entertainment: On the TV at the gate instead of just showing the news they were showing golf tips on some sort of airport news network. I am assuming we are not allowed to watch the real news because they don't want us to see a report about a crash or terrorism. But why golf? Is that just the most boring inoffensive, uncontroversial, benign thing they could think of? I don't golf and I am flying to Philadelphia-- no one flies from Charleston to Philly to golf!!
Oh shit they just offered me my choice of 2 snack items!!!!!
Flight attendants: I understand that your job is hard and important, that being said, the combination of waitress and rule enforcer just doesn't work. One minute you are bringing me orange juice and a pillow and smiling at me and the next thing I know you are getting snarky and accusing me of lying to you about whether my ipod is truly turned off before take off. These are contradictory roles and should be separate. This means that you are responsible for bringing me booze and then keeping me in control when I’m drunk. You can’t be bartender and bouncer, one job contradicts the other. (I really don't get drunk on flights, I can’t afford it)
Captain: don't tell me you are going to make up lost time in the air. That means that we weren’t going as fast as we could have. What the fuck? I don't endure air travel for the fun, I do it to get where I need to be as fast as possible and you’re telling me you would normally be putting this puppy in third gear. Fuck that. Floor this sombitch!!
Girl sitting next to me: Stop trying to talk to me. First of all you are too young for me, you know how I can tell? Because you’re traveling with your parents and your dad is looking at me like I just told him we are moving to Guam together. I am wearing sunglasses and an Ipod on a plane not to look cool but as a signal that I want to be left alone.
Fatty: I see you fatty, weighing this plane down making us burn extra fuel, breathing all our air in big fatty gulps. I see you….fatty.
Airplane bathrooms: toilets on the ground have water in the bowls for a reason. When I am waiting in line to go to the bathroom and after ten minutes I see a big guy in camo coming out of there clutching a sky mall magizine I know I am in for a fecal funk that, combined with the tiny dimensions of the room, will make me feel as though I am actually inside an anus.
Bags: if I have to run to catch my connecting flight there is no way my bag made it. My bag has no legs and is not motivated. This isn’t Hogwarts, my bag depends on guys on carts that grab bags and take them one by one to their gates. Why even rush to make my connection of I know my bag can’t make it. And I paid 15 dollars to check it. Fuck!!!
Wow this turned out to be kind of long. Well I still have ten hour flight in four days and then the whole return trip so maybe I will update.
