Friday, August 7, 2009





did anyone else think this was an anti-spousal abuse commercial?


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Hash browns and Twilight



























Things I ate:

8:00 am: Hash browns and leftover pizza

12:30 pm: roast beef sandwich , hot and spicy cheesits

7: 30 pm: Thai curry chicken with brown rice, farmers market tomatoes with mozzarella and olive oil

9:00 pm: bag of Pretzel Flips (I love these things)

 

Things I hate: Twilight

Ok so I don’t even hate Twilight for the horrible writing, one-dimensional characters, or the message that it sends to girls that weakness and helplessness are attractive qualities.  What I hate is that Edward Cullen is 107 years old and dating a 17 year old.  This guy was born in 1901 and nobody has a problem with him dating a highschooler.  I think its sick.  If he were an old man that magically transformed into the body of a 17 year old and started nailing everyone in his high school we would find it morally reprehensible.  Just because he looks 17 doesn’t mean he is.  He’s old as fuck.  His first car was a horse.  His favorite song when he was a real teenager was the Confederate March.  He is older than Bellas dad!  He was born before Oklahoma was a state!!  He should have been dating 17 year olds during  WWI!!  I think he is just some sick old man who runs this game at every new school he has been going to for the last 100 years.











Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Kids with Mustaches!!!
































What I ate:

9:00 am : sausage and 2 scrambled eggs

12:30: bowl of chili

7:45 pm: grilled fish, carrots, and biscuits

11:00 pm: Bryers mint chocolate chip ice cream and Rolos

 

What I hate: creepy kid mustaches

Ok so I was watching the Scripps national spelling bee and I was reminded of 2 things.  First, I will never be as smart as these freaks and secondly, there is a creepy moustache epidemic plaguing our nations middle schoolers.  I keep seeing these kids who just barely have a moustache and don’t know what to do about it.  Now I know you are in that awkward phase before people tell you that you need to wear deodorant and shave that sketch stache but,  THIS IS NOT A GOOD LOOK.   You do not look like a man.  You look like a 12 year old impersonating a man who molests 12 year olds.  So please people, if you have a child or sibling who suffers from creep-stache syndrome tell them that they have to get rid of that caterpillar on their lip it's making me sick.


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

salmon and couples








Things I ate:

8:30 am: everything bagel with cream cheese

12:30 pm: leftover pizza and karamelsutra icecream

7:00 pm: baked salmon, carrots

 things I hate:

Couples that sit on the same side of the booth:

Come on!  Stop this.  Your happiness is making me sick.  It pisses everyone off.  It pisses the single people off because they don't’ have anyone to elbow during lunch.  It also pisses off all the people who are in relationships because it makes them remember that at some point in their current relationship they actually like the person there are with enough to paw each other over breakfast.   The only solace that I get when seeing this is knowing that in a matter of months this couple will be either broken up or sitting opposite of each other silently criticizing the eating habits of their companion and wondering how they are still with this person.

Saturday, March 28, 2009


Update:

Vince Offer, aka Vincent Shlomi, aka the Sham Wow guy, has been arrested for beating up a high-class hooker.  apparently he paid a pro 1000 dollars to go back to his room from a miami bar.  This woman bit his tongue and he punched her repeatedly.  maybe he can slap his troubles away with the slap chop; or at least wipe that blood off his face with the sham wow.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Things I ate:
italian sub, three cheese mac and cheese (teds butcher block)

its early, that is all I have eaten today.

things I hate:  this commercial 

So I have been watching hours of basketball during the tournament and this commercial keeps popping up.  Now I have no problem with a product that is designed to help women trim their lady parts, but I do have a problem with this disgusting commercial.  They think they are being subtle by showing us bushes (BUSHES!!!) being cleaned up into nice shapes.  I just really didn't need to know that the woman by the pool prefers the landing strip while showering woman goes for the triangle.  Have we no shame people?  By the way you know the person who pitched this at the add agency was a dude. 

“Its bushes getting smaller because of our Shick trimmer”

“Brilliant Jim, brilliant!”


10 points to anyone who can tell me what the song is (I can't figure it out)

Monday, March 9, 2009






















Things I ate:

9:00 am: 3 scrambled eggs, 4 pieces of bacon

11:00 am: everything bagel with cream cheese (thanks Hudson)

2:00 pm: chicken quesadilla ½ of a tuna taco (Poe’s restaurant)

11:00 pm: bowl of chili

 

 

Bottled water has gotten out of hand.  There was a time, not so long ago, that we just drank the water from the faucet.  If you wanted to take water somewhere, like the gym, you filled up a bottle and took it with you.  Tap water was fine for years, but today, because of all of the bottled water, I have some irrational fear that my tap water is diseased.  I am no crazy environmentalist but bottled water in America alone adds 29 billion water bottles to our landfills and uses up 17 billion barrels of oil to produce. “Imagine a water bottle filled a quarter of the way up with oil. That’s about how much oil was needed to produce the bottle” (this is from national geographic for kids. link ) Can you believe that we are paying someone to ship water from fucking Fiji to our house?!  This is why the Saudis have us by the balls.

            I also don't understand how these companies have convinced us to go out and buy a product that is already pumped into our house for much cheaper.  It is like selling air.   By the way, I am not talking about the people who buy a bottle of water at the gas station before a road trip, but the people at Costco loading up on 14 pallets of the stuff to keep in their fridge right next to their sink.

            My biggest problem with the over the counter water is that it isn’t simply water anymore.  Now it comes with coloring, flavoring, and salt added to it.  This is called Gatorade people.  We have come full circle from buying sports drinks to buying water to now buying water that has been turned back into a sports drink.  By the way, those electrolytes that are so great in Gatorade is just salt (NaCl)!

 

 






Wednesday, February 18, 2009

hummus and flying

 

Things I ate:

7:00 am : everything bagel with jalepeno cream cheese

9:15 am: box of junior mints

12:00 pm: left over manicotti  pita dipped in hummus

6:30 pm : bg of pretzel flips and a bunch of cool ranch Doritos then went to sleep (jet lag is really messing with my schedule)

Things I hate : flying

I write this while sitting in seat 27 D of flight 1008 from Atlanta to Philadelphia.  Flying is terrible.  When I was a kid it was exciting, fun, and a privilege. I miss those days.

Here are some things I have found to hate about air travel today: 

Hicks on planes: I can tell this is your first time on a plane but there are some things you can’t do. Such as wear camouflage and/or sweat pants. You aren’t driving your car to Myrtle Beach for the weekend; you’re in public for God’s sake.  Also unless you’re under the age of 12 or mentally disabled you are not allowed to clap when we land. It is embarrassing for the rest of us.  And if your friend/family member is sitting 3 rows behind you that does not mean you can shout over the rows to talk about the movie you are watching.

At the gate entertainment:  On the TV at the gate instead of just showing the news they were showing golf tips on some sort of airport news network.  I am assuming we are not allowed to watch the real news because they don't want us to see a report about a crash or terrorism.  But why golf? Is that just the most boring inoffensive, uncontroversial, benign thing they could think of? I don't golf and I am flying to Philadelphia-- no one flies from Charleston to Philly to golf!!

Oh shit they just offered me my choice of 2 snack items!!!!! 

Flight attendants: I understand that your job is hard and important, that being said, the combination of waitress and rule enforcer just doesn't work.  One minute you are bringing me orange juice and a pillow and smiling at me and the next thing I know you are getting snarky and accusing me of lying to you about whether my ipod is truly turned off before take off.   These are contradictory roles and should be separate.  This means that you are responsible for bringing me booze and then keeping me in control when I’m drunk.  You can’t be bartender and bouncer, one job contradicts the other. (I really don't get drunk on flights, I can’t afford it)

Captain: don't tell me you are going to make up lost time in the air.  That means that we weren’t going as fast as we could have.  What the fuck?  I don't endure air travel for the fun, I do it to get where I need to be as fast as possible and you’re telling me you would normally be putting this puppy in third gear.  Fuck that. Floor this sombitch!!

Girl sitting next to me: Stop trying to talk to me.  First of all you are too young for me, you know how I can tell?  Because you’re traveling with your parents and your dad is looking at me like I just told him we are moving to Guam together.  I am wearing sunglasses and an Ipod on a plane not to look cool but as a signal that I want to be left alone.

Fatty:  I see you fatty, weighing this plane down making us burn extra fuel, breathing all our air in big fatty gulps. I see you….fatty.

Airplane bathrooms: toilets on the ground have water in the bowls for a reason.  When I am waiting in line to go to the bathroom and after ten minutes I see a big guy in camo coming out of there clutching a sky mall magizine I know I am in for a fecal funk that, combined with the tiny dimensions of the room, will make me feel as though I am actually inside an anus.

Bags: if I have to run to catch my connecting flight there is no way my bag made it.  My bag has no legs and is not motivated. This isn’t Hogwarts, my bag depends on guys on carts that grab bags and take them one by one to their gates.  Why even rush to make my connection of I know my bag can’t make it. And I paid 15 dollars to check it. Fuck!!!

Wow this turned out to be kind of long. Well I still have ten hour flight in four days and then the whole return trip so maybe I will update.

 

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I will be out of the country for the next 3 weeks so no posts until I get back.  Im Sorry, i know this makes you sad, like a half sneeze or finding out your favorite actor is a scientologist.  To ease your sorrow I have included a video of a puppy falling asleep. 




Tuesday, January 20, 2009

eggs and Sham Wow Guy

















Things I ate:

9:00 am : 3 scrambled eggs, 3 pieces of bacon, bagel with cream cheese (pictured)

12:30 pm: leftover Andolini’s pizza, olives, chips and salsa, “everything but the” ice cream

7:30 pm: chicken tikki masala green beans

10:00 pm: more ice cream and chips


Things I hate:  Vince Offer

Vince Offer is also known as “ the Sham Wow guy”. You can check out his new spot for the Slap Chop here: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUbWjIKxrrs

 I don't so much hate Vince himself as much as I hate the condescending way he makes his pitch.   I am used to the over excitement and fatherly coaxing of more traditional pitch men like Billy Mays or the Video Professor ("try my product").  This guy is like some sort of coked up insult comic. “you following me camera guy?”  I hope this isn’t a new advertising strategy for the recession.  I wont be able to stomach the new Pepsi slogan: drink Pepsi, asshole! 

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

BBQ and lift tickets

























Things I ate:

8:30 am: one scrambled egg, bagel with cream cheese and salmon

12:30 pm: bowl of chili and Phish Food ice cream

5:30 pm: BBQ sandwich with pickles and a bunch of Doritos

9:30 pm: broccoli and ribs, more ice cream

 

Things I hate: Lift ticket on jacket guy

            You all know this guy.  Your hanging out in the middle of the week miles away from any mountains and he still has his lift ticket attached to his zipper.  Is this shit necessary in the bar really?  This is the same douchy guy/ girl who leaves the wristband from the concert or the hand stamp from the club on for days.  We get it; you went somewhere and did something awesome.  You know what, we like music, drinking, and skiing also but we aren’t so bent on braggadocio that we have to announce it to the world.   I did this same thing when I went to my first music festival but that was in middle school and I haven’t done it since.  These are the same people who spend their entire beach vacation thinking about their tan so people know they went to the beach when they get home. These people suck and we should all stop going skiing, clubbing, or generally doing anything with them.


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

ribs and robots












Things I ate: 
8:30 am: bagel with ream cheese, one scrambled egg
12:30 pm: Wendy's # 2 and a five piece nuggets
5:30 pm: some ribs, slaw, doritos, olives, Phish food ice cream
8:00 pm: caesar salad with fried shrimp (California Dreaming restaurant) 


I went to the bathroom at the restaurant last night and they had one of those towel-dispensing robots.  This thing shoots out about 6 inches of brown “paper” so not absorbent that I have to stand there like a schizophrenic mime waiving my hands back and forth for 5 minutes just to get enough to dry my hands. (Maybe the frantic fruitless hand waiving in front of the motion sensor is supposed to dry your hands?)  Why cant we make a robot that can dry hands?  Those blower things suck.  You just stand there flipping your hands:  top, bottom, top, bottom and your never dry.

How is it that we can build a robot like this  (turn your sound on for this)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBMU6l6GsdM&eurl=http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/multiple-kill-vehicle  but we cant make a robot that dries hands?  We should give the task to Boeing or Lockheed Martin.  Then, we would have a ten million dollar badass hand-drying robot that would also kill non-Christians (all their products do that now, its like a side effect/trademark thing you cant avoid)


Thursday, January 1, 2009

if your a cute girl, and its New Years Eve, I'm pretty sure I also love your favorite band.