did anyone else think this was an anti-spousal abuse commercial?

Hash browns and Twilight

Things I ate:

8:00 am: Hash browns and leftover pizza

12:30 pm: roast beef sandwich , hot and spicy cheesits

7: 30 pm: Thai curry chicken with brown rice, farmers market tomatoes with mozzarella and olive oil

9:00 pm: bag of Pretzel Flips (I love these things)

 

Things I hate: Twilight

Ok so I don’t even hate Twilight for the horrible writing, one-dimensional characters, or the message that it sends to girls that weakness and helplessness are attractive qualities.  What I hate is that Edward Cullen is 107 years old and dating a 17 year old.  This guy was born in 1901 and nobody has a problem with him dating a highschooler.  I think its sick.  If he were an old man that magically transformed into the body of a 17 year old and started nailing everyone in his high school we would find it morally reprehensible.  Just because he looks 17 doesn’t mean he is.  He’s old as fuck.  His first car was a horse.  His favorite song when he was a real teenager was the Confederate March.  He is older than Bellas dad!  He was born before Oklahoma was a state!!  He should have been dating 17 year olds during  WWI!!  I think he is just some sick old man who runs this game at every new school he has been going to for the last 100 years.

Kids with Mustaches!!!

What I ate:

9:00 am : sausage and 2 scrambled eggs

12:30: bowl of chili

7:45 pm: grilled fish, carrots, and biscuits

11:00 pm: Bryers mint chocolate chip ice cream and Rolos

 

What I hate: creepy kid mustaches

Ok so I was watching the Scripps national spelling bee and I was reminded of 2 things.  First, I will never be as smart as these freaks and secondly, there is a creepy moustache epidemic plaguing our nations middle schoolers.  I keep seeing these kids who just barely have a moustache and don’t know what to do about it.  Now I know you are in that awkward phase before people tell you that you need to wear deodorant and shave that sketch stache but,  THIS IS NOT A GOOD LOOK.   You do not look like a man.  You look like a 12 year old impersonating a man who molests 12 year olds.  So please people, if you have a child or sibling who suffers from creep-stache syndrome tell them that they have to get rid of that caterpillar on their lip it's making me sick.

salmon and couples

Things I ate:

8:30 am: everything bagel with cream cheese

12:30 pm: leftover pizza and karamelsutra icecream

7:00 pm: baked salmon, carrots

 things I hate:

Couples that sit on the same side of the booth:

Come on!  Stop this.  Your happiness is making me sick.  It pisses everyone off.  It pisses the single people off because they don't’ have anyone to elbow during lunch.  It also pisses off all the people who are in relationships because it makes them remember that at some point in their current relationship they actually like the person there are with enough to paw each other over breakfast.   The only solace that I get when seeing this is knowing that in a matter of months this couple will be either broken up or sitting opposite of each other silently criticizing the eating habits of their companion and wondering how they are still with this person.

Update:

Vince Offer, aka Vincent Shlomi, aka the Sham Wow guy, has been arrested for beating up a high-class hooker.  apparently he paid a pro 1000 dollars to go back to his room from a miami bar.  This woman bit his tongue and he punched her repeatedly.  maybe he can slap his troubles away with the slap chop; or at least wipe that blood off his face with the sham wow.

Things I ate:

italian sub, three cheese mac and cheese (teds butcher block)

its early, that is all I have eaten today.

things I hate:  this commercial 

So I have been watching hours of basketball during the tournament and this commercial keeps popping up.  Now I have no problem with a product that is designed to help women trim their lady parts, but I do have a problem with this disgusting commercial.  They think they are being subtle by showing us bushes (BUSHES!!!) being cleaned up into nice shapes.  I just really didn't need to know that the woman by the pool prefers the landing strip while showering woman goes for the triangle.  Have we no shame people?  By the way you know the person who pitched this at the add agency was a dude. 

“Its bushes getting smaller because of our Shick trimmer”

“Brilliant Jim, brilliant!”

10 points to anyone who can tell me what the song is (I can't figure it out)

Things I ate:

9:00 am: 3 scrambled eggs, 4 pieces of bacon

11:00 am: everything bagel with cream cheese (thanks Hudson)

2:00 pm: chicken quesadilla ½ of a tuna taco (Poe’s restaurant)

11:00 pm: bowl of chili

 

 

Bottled water has gotten out of hand.  There was a time, not so long ago, that we just drank the water from the faucet.  If you wanted to take water somewhere, like the gym, you filled up a bottle and took it with you.  Tap water was fine for years, but today, because of all of the bottled water, I have some irrational fear that my tap water is diseased.  I am no crazy environmentalist but bottled water in America alone adds 29 billion water bottles to our landfills and uses up 17 billion barrels of oil to produce. “Imagine a water bottle filled a quarter of the way up with oil. That’s about how much oil was needed to produce the bottle” (this is from national geographic for kids. link ) Can you believe that we are paying someone to ship water from fucking Fiji to our house?!  This is why the Saudis have us by the balls.

            I also don't understand how these companies have convinced us to go out and buy a product that is already pumped into our house for much cheaper.  It is like selling air.   By the way, I am not talking about the people who buy a bottle of water at the gas station before a road trip, but the people at Costco loading up on 14 pallets of the stuff to keep in their fridge right next to their sink.

            My biggest problem with the over the counter water is that it isn’t simply water anymore.  Now it comes with coloring, flavoring, and salt added to it.  This is called Gatorade people.  We have come full circle from buying sports drinks to buying water to now buying water that has been turned back into a sports drink.  By the way, those electrolytes that are so great in Gatorade is just salt (NaCl)!

 

 

hummus and flying

 

Things I ate:

7:00 am : everything bagel with jalepeno cream cheese

9:15 am: box of junior mints

12:00 pm: left over manicotti  pita dipped in hummus

6:30 pm : bg of pretzel flips and a bunch of cool ranch Doritos then went to sleep (jet lag is really messing with my schedule)

Things I hate : flying

I write this while sitting in seat 27 D of flight 1008 from Atlanta to Philadelphia.  Flying is terrible.  When I was a kid it was exciting, fun, and a privilege. I miss those days.

Here are some things I have found to hate about air travel today: 

Hicks on planes: I can tell this is your first time on a plane but there are some things you can’t do. Such as wear camouflage and/or sweat pants. You aren’t driving your car to Myrtle Beach for the weekend; you’re in public for God’s sake.  Also unless you’re under the age of 12 or mentally disabled you are not allowed to clap when we land. It is embarrassing for the rest of us.  And if your friend/family member is sitting 3 rows behind you that does not mean you can shout over the rows to talk about the movie you are watching.

At the gate entertainment:  On the TV at the gate instead of just showing the news they were showing golf tips on some sort of airport news network.  I am assuming we are not allowed to watch the real news because they don't want us to see a report about a crash or terrorism.  But why golf? Is that just the most boring inoffensive, uncontroversial, benign thing they could think of? I don't golf and I am flying to Philadelphia-- no one flies from Charleston to Philly to golf!!

Oh shit they just offered me my choice of 2 snack items!!!!! 

Flight attendants: I understand that your job is hard and important, that being said, the combination of waitress and rule enforcer just doesn't work.  One minute you are bringing me orange juice and a pillow and smiling at me and the next thing I know you are getting snarky and accusing me of lying to you about whether my ipod is truly turned off before take off.   These are contradictory roles and should be separate.  This means that you are responsible for bringing me booze and then keeping me in control when I’m drunk.  You can’t be bartender and bouncer, one job contradicts the other. (I really don't get drunk on flights, I can’t afford it)

Captain: don't tell me you are going to make up lost time in the air.  That means that we weren’t going as fast as we could have.  What the fuck?  I don't endure air travel for the fun, I do it to get where I need to be as fast as possible and you’re telling me you would normally be putting this puppy in third gear.  Fuck that. Floor this sombitch!!

Girl sitting next to me: Stop trying to talk to me.  First of all you are too young for me, you know how I can tell?  Because you’re traveling with your parents and your dad is looking at me like I just told him we are moving to Guam together.  I am wearing sunglasses and an Ipod on a plane not to look cool but as a signal that I want to be left alone.

Fatty:  I see you fatty, weighing this plane down making us burn extra fuel, breathing all our air in big fatty gulps. I see you….fatty.

Airplane bathrooms: toilets on the ground have water in the bowls for a reason.  When I am waiting in line to go to the bathroom and after ten minutes I see a big guy in camo coming out of there clutching a sky mall magizine I know I am in for a fecal funk that, combined with the tiny dimensions of the room, will make me feel as though I am actually inside an anus.

Bags: if I have to run to catch my connecting flight there is no way my bag made it.  My bag has no legs and is not motivated. This isn’t Hogwarts, my bag depends on guys on carts that grab bags and take them one by one to their gates.  Why even rush to make my connection of I know my bag can’t make it. And I paid 15 dollars to check it. Fuck!!!

Wow this turned out to be kind of long. Well I still have ten hour flight in four days and then the whole return trip so maybe I will update.

 

I will be out of the country for the next 3 weeks so no posts until I get back.  Im Sorry, i know this makes you sad, like a half sneeze or finding out your favorite actor is a scientologist.  To ease your sorrow I have included a video of a puppy falling asleep. 

eggs and Sham Wow Guy

Things I ate:

9:00 am : 3 scrambled eggs, 3 pieces of bacon, bagel with cream cheese (pictured)

12:30 pm: leftover Andolini’s pizza, olives, chips and salsa, “everything but the” ice cream

7:30 pm: chicken tikki masala green beans

10:00 pm: more ice cream and chips

Things I hate:  Vince Offer

Vince Offer is also known as “ the Sham Wow guy”. You can check out his new spot for the Slap Chop here: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUbWjIKxrrs

 I don't so much hate Vince himself as much as I hate the condescending way he makes his pitch.   I am used to the over excitement and fatherly coaxing of more traditional pitch men like Billy Mays or the Video Professor ("try my product").  This guy is like some sort of coked up insult comic. “you following me camera guy?”  I hope this isn’t a new advertising strategy for the recession.  I wont be able to stomach the new Pepsi slogan: drink Pepsi, asshole! 

BBQ and lift tickets

Things I ate:

8:30 am: one scrambled egg, bagel with cream cheese and salmon

12:30 pm: bowl of chili and Phish Food ice cream

5:30 pm: BBQ sandwich with pickles and a bunch of Doritos

9:30 pm: broccoli and ribs, more ice cream

 

Things I hate: Lift ticket on jacket guy

            You all know this guy.  Your hanging out in the middle of the week miles away from any mountains and he still has his lift ticket attached to his zipper.  Is this shit necessary in the bar really?  This is the same douchy guy/ girl who leaves the wristband from the concert or the hand stamp from the club on for days.  We get it; you went somewhere and did something awesome.  You know what, we like music, drinking, and skiing also but we aren’t so bent on braggadocio that we have to announce it to the world.   I did this same thing when I went to my first music festival but that was in middle school and I haven’t done it since.  These are the same people who spend their entire beach vacation thinking about their tan so people know they went to the beach when they get home. These people suck and we should all stop going skiing, clubbing, or generally doing anything with them.

ribs and robots

Things I ate: 

8:30 am: bagel with ream cheese, one scrambled egg

12:30 pm: Wendy's # 2 and a five piece nuggets

5:30 pm: some ribs, slaw, doritos, olives, Phish food ice cream

8:00 pm: caesar salad with fried shrimp (California Dreaming restaurant) 

I went to the bathroom at the restaurant last night and they had one of those towel-dispensing robots.  This thing shoots out about 6 inches of brown “paper” so not absorbent that I have to stand there like a schizophrenic mime waiving my hands back and forth for 5 minutes just to get enough to dry my hands. (Maybe the frantic fruitless hand waiving in front of the motion sensor is supposed to dry your hands?)  Why cant we make a robot that can dry hands?  Those blower things suck.  You just stand there flipping your hands:  top, bottom, top, bottom and your never dry.

How is it that we can build a robot like this  (turn your sound on for this)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBMU6l6GsdM&eurl=http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/multiple-kill-vehicle  but we cant make a robot that dries hands?  We should give the task to Boeing or Lockheed Martin.  Then, we would have a ten million dollar badass hand-drying robot that would also kill non-Christians (all their products do that now, its like a side effect/trademark thing you cant avoid)

if your a cute girl, and its New Years Eve, I'm pretty sure I also love your favorite band.

prosciutto and clerks

(a friend took the above picture in  the store at the corner of Calhoun and Rutledge)

Things I ate:

9:00 am: Bacon, egg, cheese and salsa breakfast sandwich

12:30 pm: sandwich made out of leftover holiday honey baked ham

8:00 pm: prosciutto, Seafood pasta, (Trattoria de Luca) 

Things I hate: Clerks

I went to my local convenience store today and they had a tip jar on the counter.  What the Fuck?  When did it become ok for just anybody to put out a tip jar?  You’re not bringing or preparing food for me.  You are ringing up my Twizzlers and Gatorade.  The kids at the coffee shop and ice cream place are pushing, it but at least they are sort of making food for me.  You, convenience store guy, do nothing.  This is like putting a tip jar at the grocery store check out

And while we are at it, get off the fucking phone.  You’re at work for God’s sake.  I can’t help but wonder who you are talking to.  Is the person on the other line also at work?  Do they also have a customer standing in front of them looking pissed off? Is he my doppelganger?  If this happens to you just do what I do and interrupt their phone call with a string of ridiculous questions.   Here are some suggestions:

Will there be a sale on Beef jerky in the near future?

  Can you measure my height with this strip on the side of your door?

  Is an Icy a solid or a liquid? 

Does unleaded gas weigh less than leaded gas?

If the store is open 24/7 why are there locks on the door?

  Who does your nails?

If this doesn't get them so mad they hang up I don't know what to tell you.

.  (if you live in Charleston you can view these phenomenon at the Sergeant Jasper, and that gas station on the corner of Calhoun and Rutledge across from the hospital)

Things I ate:

8:30 am: everything bagel with cream cheese

12:30 pm: leftover lasagna and Doritos

7:00 pm: waffle and hashbrowns from Waffle house (should have gone with the Allstar special)

Things I hate: Parents who pierce their babies

these people are fucking sick.  Listen here, I know you are trying to railroad your child into a life of swapping felatio for narcotics by naming her Crystal and blowing her college money in Reno,  but this shit is going to far.  Piercing an infant is trashier than that meth lab in your basement.  How would you like it if someone started poking holes in you without your consent?  For more on this check out :

http://www.babypiercing.com/ 

Really , that is the name of their website.  For extra credit see if you can find this telling quote on their site: “I do all ages”.

Manza and models

Things I ate:

8:30 am: everything bagel with cream cheese

12:30 pm: some sort of asian noodles with beef and bean sprouts. and some dorritos.

5:45 pm: 3 slices of left over pizza from Manza 

Things I hate: facebook models

We get it, you’re hot, and you have done some modeling in your time, but seriously this is retarded.  Do you think that this pic is going to suddenly launch your career and you can quit your job at Starbucks?  Have you not noticed that all of your friends have put up normal pictures of themselves?  This shit is so arrogant.  Why don't you just leave the Glamour shot on your mom’s mantle and forget it ever happened.

(Both of these pics were taken from profile pics off my friends list)

(Sorry Beth and Heather,  these pics were just to perfect for the subject not to use. anyway I doubt you read my blog and you made them your facebook pics so maybe its fair game.)

Bagels and Burns

Things I ate:

8:30 am: everything bagel with cream cheese 

12:30 pm: bowl of chili, chips and salsa

5:15 pm: big plate of left over stuffing, bowl of "everything but the.." ice cream

Things I hate:  Guys with no sideburns

No sideburn guys

Listen guys, this is not a good look!!  What on earth would make you say to your barber "you know what, lets just cut these burns all the way up."  Are you thinking your ears are so attractive that they must not be obstructed?  Are you shaving one morning and just take it to far? Whatever the reason, I implore you to stop!!  

I noticed during my extensive sideburn research that the "noburn" may have evolved from the mullet.  Take these 2 pictures of Jose Conseco.  On the left, Conseco (mid 90s) is sporting the classic mullet sans burns.  On the right you can see that Conseco has updated his style by dropping the mullet but for some reason has retained an alarming lack of burn.  I have also noticed that there is an alarming correlation between the no-burn and sports figures, as evident by the pictures I found.

do roids kill burns?

Finally I would like to present this pic of Matt Damon to show that you don't have to go overboard to avoid the no-burn. I'm not asking for mutton chops here.  Damon has chosen to rock only a half inch of burn, but even this small amount of burn is enough to rescue him from the look of no burn.  Please guys make wise burn choices!

Things I ate:

9:00 am: everything bagel with jalepeno cream cheese

2:00 pm: big ass thanksgiving at julia’s house turkey mashed potatoes stuffing and much much more

9:00 pm: angel food cake and vanilla ice cream

 

Things I hate: Unrated DVD editions

      The unrated editions of DVD releases are purely marketing gimmicks and never deliver on the scintillation that the “unrated label” suggests.  This label essentially promises more nudity.  Nudity so crazy that the dvd isn’t eve R but Unrated!!!  What they deliver is usually the same crappy flick with a couple of extra and completely worthless scenes.  What you realize after watching the unrated version of a film is that those scenes were left out for a reason.  If you’re going to put out an unrated copy of The Breakup then the extra material that gave it the “unrated status” had better be an extra scene where Jennifer Aniston performs fellatio on Vince Vaughn.

      So here’s an idea, if you’re going to put out an unrated edition of a movie, film it like that is your intention.  For example you’re making a movie… lets say… “The Bourne Douchbaggery”.  Go ahead and film a 45 minute hard core porn scene that won’t be in the original movie.  Drop that scene into the unrated edition.  This can work for TV as well since many of us watch TV shows online and on DVD.  Just film some scenes with nudity and a couple of blurted out “fucks” and market it as the R rated version.  You could film the same scene from Lost where Kate takes her top off but in the DVD she would be facing the camera.  Or, you could have a scene where Mathew Fox removes Sawyers appendix with his dong hanging out.  All I’m saying is make the DVD release like the HBO version of the show.  I’m totally off topic.  Anyway Unrated versions of DVDs are not the raunchy versions of the film that they promise.  They are just the same shitty movie with a couple shitty scenes that didn't make the first cut and that is bullshit! 

Hefner and Gyro

|--what happened in here?--|

What I ate:

10: 30 cheese and salsa omelet

12:00pm:  bowl of “everything but the” ice cream

1:23 pm: Tyson boneless chicken strips with ranch

4:00 pm: half of a leftover gyro

9:00 pm: chicken noodle soup

Things I hate: old ass Hue Hefner

What ever happened to going out with dignity?  Hef used to stand as a symbol of the idyllic bachelor lifestyle.  Now he is just a sad old man who is being made a cuckold by the likes of Chris “mindfreak” Angel… Chris Angel!!!!???? Seriously? WTF!!!

There was a time where Hef proved that being a bachelor could be fun, stylish, and full of pussy.  Now he just stands as proof that a happy bachelor will end up sad, old, alone, and desperate for youth.  You ruined bachelorhood for all of us.  Is that what a “permanent single” has to look forward to, being a decrepit, lonely husk of a man?  A man, so desperate for youth and attention, that he dates a stream of increasingly horrible and vapid women who care only for his money and status.  So thanks a lot Hef.  Thanks for showing us the truth: that there is a sad and lonely ending to even the most successful bachelor lifestyle.  Take your millions and die with dignity NOT on Reality TV!!!!