Kids with Mustaches!!!

What I ate:

9:00 am : sausage and 2 scrambled eggs

12:30: bowl of chili

7:45 pm: grilled fish, carrots, and biscuits

11:00 pm: Bryers mint chocolate chip ice cream and Rolos

 

What I hate: creepy kid mustaches

Ok so I was watching the Scripps national spelling bee and I was reminded of 2 things.  First, I will never be as smart as these freaks and secondly, there is a creepy moustache epidemic plaguing our nations middle schoolers.  I keep seeing these kids who just barely have a moustache and don’t know what to do about it.  Now I know you are in that awkward phase before people tell you that you need to wear deodorant and shave that sketch stache but,  THIS IS NOT A GOOD LOOK.   You do not look like a man.  You look like a 12 year old impersonating a man who molests 12 year olds.  So please people, if you have a child or sibling who suffers from creep-stache syndrome tell them that they have to get rid of that caterpillar on their lip it's making me sick.

salmon and couples

Things I ate:

8:30 am: everything bagel with cream cheese

12:30 pm: leftover pizza and karamelsutra icecream

7:00 pm: baked salmon, carrots

 things I hate:

Couples that sit on the same side of the booth:

Come on!  Stop this.  Your happiness is making me sick.  It pisses everyone off.  It pisses the single people off because they don't’ have anyone to elbow during lunch.  It also pisses off all the people who are in relationships because it makes them remember that at some point in their current relationship they actually like the person there are with enough to paw each other over breakfast.   The only solace that I get when seeing this is knowing that in a matter of months this couple will be either broken up or sitting opposite of each other silently criticizing the eating habits of their companion and wondering how they are still with this person.

Update:

Vince Offer, aka Vincent Shlomi, aka the Sham Wow guy, has been arrested for beating up a high-class hooker.  apparently he paid a pro 1000 dollars to go back to his room from a miami bar.  This woman bit his tongue and he punched her repeatedly.  maybe he can slap his troubles away with the slap chop; or at least wipe that blood off his face with the sham wow.

Things I ate:

italian sub, three cheese mac and cheese (teds butcher block)

its early, that is all I have eaten today.

things I hate:  this commercial 

So I have been watching hours of basketball during the tournament and this commercial keeps popping up.  Now I have no problem with a product that is designed to help women trim their lady parts, but I do have a problem with this disgusting commercial.  They think they are being subtle by showing us bushes (BUSHES!!!) being cleaned up into nice shapes.  I just really didn't need to know that the woman by the pool prefers the landing strip while showering woman goes for the triangle.  Have we no shame people?  By the way you know the person who pitched this at the add agency was a dude. 

“Its bushes getting smaller because of our Shick trimmer”

“Brilliant Jim, brilliant!”

10 points to anyone who can tell me what the song is (I can't figure it out)

Things I ate:

9:00 am: 3 scrambled eggs, 4 pieces of bacon

11:00 am: everything bagel with cream cheese (thanks Hudson)

2:00 pm: chicken quesadilla ½ of a tuna taco (Poe’s restaurant)

11:00 pm: bowl of chili

 

 

Bottled water has gotten out of hand.  There was a time, not so long ago, that we just drank the water from the faucet.  If you wanted to take water somewhere, like the gym, you filled up a bottle and took it with you.  Tap water was fine for years, but today, because of all of the bottled water, I have some irrational fear that my tap water is diseased.  I am no crazy environmentalist but bottled water in America alone adds 29 billion water bottles to our landfills and uses up 17 billion barrels of oil to produce. “Imagine a water bottle filled a quarter of the way up with oil. That’s about how much oil was needed to produce the bottle” (this is from national geographic for kids. link ) Can you believe that we are paying someone to ship water from fucking Fiji to our house?!  This is why the Saudis have us by the balls.

            I also don't understand how these companies have convinced us to go out and buy a product that is already pumped into our house for much cheaper.  It is like selling air.   By the way, I am not talking about the people who buy a bottle of water at the gas station before a road trip, but the people at Costco loading up on 14 pallets of the stuff to keep in their fridge right next to their sink.

            My biggest problem with the over the counter water is that it isn’t simply water anymore.  Now it comes with coloring, flavoring, and salt added to it.  This is called Gatorade people.  We have come full circle from buying sports drinks to buying water to now buying water that has been turned back into a sports drink.  By the way, those electrolytes that are so great in Gatorade is just salt (NaCl)!

 

 

hummus and flying

 

Things I ate:

7:00 am : everything bagel with jalepeno cream cheese

9:15 am: box of junior mints

12:00 pm: left over manicotti  pita dipped in hummus

6:30 pm : bg of pretzel flips and a bunch of cool ranch Doritos then went to sleep (jet lag is really messing with my schedule)

Things I hate : flying

I write this while sitting in seat 27 D of flight 1008 from Atlanta to Philadelphia.  Flying is terrible.  When I was a kid it was exciting, fun, and a privilege. I miss those days.

Here are some things I have found to hate about air travel today: 

Hicks on planes: I can tell this is your first time on a plane but there are some things you can’t do. Such as wear camouflage and/or sweat pants. You aren’t driving your car to Myrtle Beach for the weekend; you’re in public for God’s sake.  Also unless you’re under the age of 12 or mentally disabled you are not allowed to clap when we land. It is embarrassing for the rest of us.  And if your friend/family member is sitting 3 rows behind you that does not mean you can shout over the rows to talk about the movie you are watching.

At the gate entertainment:  On the TV at the gate instead of just showing the news they were showing golf tips on some sort of airport news network.  I am assuming we are not allowed to watch the real news because they don't want us to see a report about a crash or terrorism.  But why golf? Is that just the most boring inoffensive, uncontroversial, benign thing they could think of? I don't golf and I am flying to Philadelphia-- no one flies from Charleston to Philly to golf!!

Oh shit they just offered me my choice of 2 snack items!!!!! 

Flight attendants: I understand that your job is hard and important, that being said, the combination of waitress and rule enforcer just doesn't work.  One minute you are bringing me orange juice and a pillow and smiling at me and the next thing I know you are getting snarky and accusing me of lying to you about whether my ipod is truly turned off before take off.   These are contradictory roles and should be separate.  This means that you are responsible for bringing me booze and then keeping me in control when I’m drunk.  You can’t be bartender and bouncer, one job contradicts the other. (I really don't get drunk on flights, I can’t afford it)

Captain: don't tell me you are going to make up lost time in the air.  That means that we weren’t going as fast as we could have.  What the fuck?  I don't endure air travel for the fun, I do it to get where I need to be as fast as possible and you’re telling me you would normally be putting this puppy in third gear.  Fuck that. Floor this sombitch!!

Girl sitting next to me: Stop trying to talk to me.  First of all you are too young for me, you know how I can tell?  Because you’re traveling with your parents and your dad is looking at me like I just told him we are moving to Guam together.  I am wearing sunglasses and an Ipod on a plane not to look cool but as a signal that I want to be left alone.

Fatty:  I see you fatty, weighing this plane down making us burn extra fuel, breathing all our air in big fatty gulps. I see you….fatty.

Airplane bathrooms: toilets on the ground have water in the bowls for a reason.  When I am waiting in line to go to the bathroom and after ten minutes I see a big guy in camo coming out of there clutching a sky mall magizine I know I am in for a fecal funk that, combined with the tiny dimensions of the room, will make me feel as though I am actually inside an anus.

Bags: if I have to run to catch my connecting flight there is no way my bag made it.  My bag has no legs and is not motivated. This isn’t Hogwarts, my bag depends on guys on carts that grab bags and take them one by one to their gates.  Why even rush to make my connection of I know my bag can’t make it. And I paid 15 dollars to check it. Fuck!!!

Wow this turned out to be kind of long. Well I still have ten hour flight in four days and then the whole return trip so maybe I will update.

 

I will be out of the country for the next 3 weeks so no posts until I get back.  Im Sorry, i know this makes you sad, like a half sneeze or finding out your favorite actor is a scientologist.  To ease your sorrow I have included a video of a puppy falling asleep.