hummus and flying

 

Things I ate:

7:00 am : everything bagel with jalepeno cream cheese

9:15 am: box of junior mints

12:00 pm: left over manicotti  pita dipped in hummus

6:30 pm : bg of pretzel flips and a bunch of cool ranch Doritos then went to sleep (jet lag is really messing with my schedule)

Things I hate : flying

I write this while sitting in seat 27 D of flight 1008 from Atlanta to Philadelphia.  Flying is terrible.  When I was a kid it was exciting, fun, and a privilege. I miss those days.

Here are some things I have found to hate about air travel today: 

Hicks on planes: I can tell this is your first time on a plane but there are some things you can’t do. Such as wear camouflage and/or sweat pants. You aren’t driving your car to Myrtle Beach for the weekend; you’re in public for God’s sake.  Also unless you’re under the age of 12 or mentally disabled you are not allowed to clap when we land. It is embarrassing for the rest of us.  And if your friend/family member is sitting 3 rows behind you that does not mean you can shout over the rows to talk about the movie you are watching.

At the gate entertainment:  On the TV at the gate instead of just showing the news they were showing golf tips on some sort of airport news network.  I am assuming we are not allowed to watch the real news because they don't want us to see a report about a crash or terrorism.  But why golf? Is that just the most boring inoffensive, uncontroversial, benign thing they could think of? I don't golf and I am flying to Philadelphia-- no one flies from Charleston to Philly to golf!!

Oh shit they just offered me my choice of 2 snack items!!!!! 

Flight attendants: I understand that your job is hard and important, that being said, the combination of waitress and rule enforcer just doesn't work.  One minute you are bringing me orange juice and a pillow and smiling at me and the next thing I know you are getting snarky and accusing me of lying to you about whether my ipod is truly turned off before take off.   These are contradictory roles and should be separate.  This means that you are responsible for bringing me booze and then keeping me in control when I’m drunk.  You can’t be bartender and bouncer, one job contradicts the other. (I really don't get drunk on flights, I can’t afford it)

Captain: don't tell me you are going to make up lost time in the air.  That means that we weren’t going as fast as we could have.  What the fuck?  I don't endure air travel for the fun, I do it to get where I need to be as fast as possible and you’re telling me you would normally be putting this puppy in third gear.  Fuck that. Floor this sombitch!!

Girl sitting next to me: Stop trying to talk to me.  First of all you are too young for me, you know how I can tell?  Because you’re traveling with your parents and your dad is looking at me like I just told him we are moving to Guam together.  I am wearing sunglasses and an Ipod on a plane not to look cool but as a signal that I want to be left alone.

Fatty:  I see you fatty, weighing this plane down making us burn extra fuel, breathing all our air in big fatty gulps. I see you….fatty.

Airplane bathrooms: toilets on the ground have water in the bowls for a reason.  When I am waiting in line to go to the bathroom and after ten minutes I see a big guy in camo coming out of there clutching a sky mall magizine I know I am in for a fecal funk that, combined with the tiny dimensions of the room, will make me feel as though I am actually inside an anus.

Bags: if I have to run to catch my connecting flight there is no way my bag made it.  My bag has no legs and is not motivated. This isn’t Hogwarts, my bag depends on guys on carts that grab bags and take them one by one to their gates.  Why even rush to make my connection of I know my bag can’t make it. And I paid 15 dollars to check it. Fuck!!!

Wow this turned out to be kind of long. Well I still have ten hour flight in four days and then the whole return trip so maybe I will update.

 

I will be out of the country for the next 3 weeks so no posts until I get back.  Im Sorry, i know this makes you sad, like a half sneeze or finding out your favorite actor is a scientologist.  To ease your sorrow I have included a video of a puppy falling asleep. 

eggs and Sham Wow Guy

Things I ate:

9:00 am : 3 scrambled eggs, 3 pieces of bacon, bagel with cream cheese (pictured)

12:30 pm: leftover Andolini’s pizza, olives, chips and salsa, “everything but the” ice cream

7:30 pm: chicken tikki masala green beans

10:00 pm: more ice cream and chips

Things I hate:  Vince Offer

Vince Offer is also known as “ the Sham Wow guy”. You can check out his new spot for the Slap Chop here: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUbWjIKxrrs

 I don't so much hate Vince himself as much as I hate the condescending way he makes his pitch.   I am used to the over excitement and fatherly coaxing of more traditional pitch men like Billy Mays or the Video Professor ("try my product").  This guy is like some sort of coked up insult comic. “you following me camera guy?”  I hope this isn’t a new advertising strategy for the recession.  I wont be able to stomach the new Pepsi slogan: drink Pepsi, asshole! 

BBQ and lift tickets

Things I ate:

8:30 am: one scrambled egg, bagel with cream cheese and salmon

12:30 pm: bowl of chili and Phish Food ice cream

5:30 pm: BBQ sandwich with pickles and a bunch of Doritos

9:30 pm: broccoli and ribs, more ice cream

 

Things I hate: Lift ticket on jacket guy

            You all know this guy.  Your hanging out in the middle of the week miles away from any mountains and he still has his lift ticket attached to his zipper.  Is this shit necessary in the bar really?  This is the same douchy guy/ girl who leaves the wristband from the concert or the hand stamp from the club on for days.  We get it; you went somewhere and did something awesome.  You know what, we like music, drinking, and skiing also but we aren’t so bent on braggadocio that we have to announce it to the world.   I did this same thing when I went to my first music festival but that was in middle school and I haven’t done it since.  These are the same people who spend their entire beach vacation thinking about their tan so people know they went to the beach when they get home. These people suck and we should all stop going skiing, clubbing, or generally doing anything with them.

ribs and robots

Things I ate: 

8:30 am: bagel with ream cheese, one scrambled egg

12:30 pm: Wendy's # 2 and a five piece nuggets

5:30 pm: some ribs, slaw, doritos, olives, Phish food ice cream

8:00 pm: caesar salad with fried shrimp (California Dreaming restaurant) 

I went to the bathroom at the restaurant last night and they had one of those towel-dispensing robots.  This thing shoots out about 6 inches of brown “paper” so not absorbent that I have to stand there like a schizophrenic mime waiving my hands back and forth for 5 minutes just to get enough to dry my hands. (Maybe the frantic fruitless hand waiving in front of the motion sensor is supposed to dry your hands?)  Why cant we make a robot that can dry hands?  Those blower things suck.  You just stand there flipping your hands:  top, bottom, top, bottom and your never dry.

How is it that we can build a robot like this  (turn your sound on for this)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBMU6l6GsdM&eurl=http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/multiple-kill-vehicle  but we cant make a robot that dries hands?  We should give the task to Boeing or Lockheed Martin.  Then, we would have a ten million dollar badass hand-drying robot that would also kill non-Christians (all their products do that now, its like a side effect/trademark thing you cant avoid)

if your a cute girl, and its New Years Eve, I'm pretty sure I also love your favorite band.

prosciutto and clerks

(a friend took the above picture in  the store at the corner of Calhoun and Rutledge)

Things I ate:

9:00 am: Bacon, egg, cheese and salsa breakfast sandwich

12:30 pm: sandwich made out of leftover holiday honey baked ham

8:00 pm: prosciutto, Seafood pasta, (Trattoria de Luca) 

Things I hate: Clerks

I went to my local convenience store today and they had a tip jar on the counter.  What the Fuck?  When did it become ok for just anybody to put out a tip jar?  You’re not bringing or preparing food for me.  You are ringing up my Twizzlers and Gatorade.  The kids at the coffee shop and ice cream place are pushing, it but at least they are sort of making food for me.  You, convenience store guy, do nothing.  This is like putting a tip jar at the grocery store check out

And while we are at it, get off the fucking phone.  You’re at work for God’s sake.  I can’t help but wonder who you are talking to.  Is the person on the other line also at work?  Do they also have a customer standing in front of them looking pissed off? Is he my doppelganger?  If this happens to you just do what I do and interrupt their phone call with a string of ridiculous questions.   Here are some suggestions:

Will there be a sale on Beef jerky in the near future?

  Can you measure my height with this strip on the side of your door?

  Is an Icy a solid or a liquid? 

Does unleaded gas weigh less than leaded gas?

If the store is open 24/7 why are there locks on the door?

  Who does your nails?

If this doesn't get them so mad they hang up I don't know what to tell you.

.  (if you live in Charleston you can view these phenomenon at the Sergeant Jasper, and that gas station on the corner of Calhoun and Rutledge across from the hospital)